The little black shaddow

You can go to the other side of the world, but that doesn’t mean you leave your problems behind. People always talk of the positive side to travelling, and there are many a positives, but people rarely talk about the negatives. I’m one for being honest when I write, as most already know, and so I thought it was about time to talk about what’s been going on the last few weeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I love travelling, I love Australia and I don’t regret anything I’ve done, but what people always seem to leave out when talking about travelling is that the worries, anxiety and problems you had before don’t automatically disappear, they can follow you wherever you go. As most people know, mental illness is a part of my life with it having controlled a lot of my past but travelling allowed me to become stronger, or at least I thought it did. The past few weeks, haven’t been easy. I’ve somehow got myself stuck in that rut again where I was a couple of years back, and while I’m no where near as bad as I was before, it’s still not easy. Before, although it took me ages to realise it, I had the support of my friends and family around me and when I was ready, I had people to turn to, but now, on the other side of the world, millions of miles apart, it can make you feel lonelier than ever.

I’m surrounded by great people here in Tully, have made some incredible friendships over the last seven months, but nothing quite compares to those you have back home. To the people that know your life just as well as you know your own. I’ve learnt from previous experiences. I know not to let myself get too deep into this again because it’ll be hard to come back out fighting without the support of those around me, but it’s also hard to make changes out here. I’m counting down the days until I can leave Tully for a start, which is both good and bad. It’s good to have something to look forward to and I can’t wait to be on the move again, but it’s bad in the sense that I’m wishing my time away. I mean there’s nothing really wrong with Tully, I just feel trapped. There’s not much to do here and life falls very quickly into a routine. I mean, Monday to Friday it’s the 5:25am wake up, working all day, back for 5:00pm, shower, cook dinner at around 6:30pm, then lay in bed watching TV till I fall asleep at around 9:00pm. The whole time counting down the days until Friday where I drink until I’m in a silly state, head to Top Pub, then Rafters, then back to the house to pass out and regret drinking on Saturday because of my hangover… That’s what you look forward to in Tully, drinking on a Friday. Which is weird considering I probably went out drinking once a month at most when back in England.

I’m not travelling anymore, just settled in a small town, earning some money to afford to travel again and I cannot wait until that day comes. In the mean time, I figured it was about time someone was honest about the struggles that come with life, whether at home or travelling. Mental health follows you wherever you go. It literally is a shadow, there’s no losing it, on some days it’s stronger than ever but it will always be a part of you, it’s learning how to deal with it that takes work. I’m learning new ways, looking at trying to fix it on my own now which I will be honest, is scary. I’m in constant arguments with myself, distancing myself from those around me, then the next day realising what I’ve done but not knowing how to fix it. I compare my life too much to my past, constantly reminding myself of the pain I’ve been through previously, reminding myself of the place I got myself in, but I also need to remind myself of how I got out. It isn’t going to be easy, but I guess one step at a time.

Mental health has too much control over my life, and I’m not about to let it control my Australian adventure any longer. Today is the first day of my new battle. I’m making a promise to myself to ignore my shadow, to start each day fresh, start thinking positive and to get myself back to the healthy person I was just a few months ago.

To a new day, a new week, and a new frame of mind.

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