Learn to love

“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.”

– Charles Bukowski

If there’s one thing I’ve come to learn from life recently, it’s that to truly be happy, you must be honest with yourself in terms of your mind and feelings to understand just what it is to be happy.

I was told recently, that you can’t love another until you’ve learnt to love yourself and this couldn’t be any further from the truth. I’ve spent the last few months beating myself up about everything that has happened, blamed myself for what has happened, for what I have prevented from happening because of being scared, or nervous, when, I shouldn’t have blamed myself at all. To be happy with yourself you must listen to what it is your mind is saying and act accordingly.

Right now, my mind is full of regret and everyone always says you regret the things you don’t do, rather than the things you do. Which is what I’m going to focus more on. There’s a lot of things I’ve wanted to do recently, things I’ve wanted to say, friendships I’ve wanted to rebuild, but it’s just knowing how to do it. But from today, I’m going to go for everything and not hold back.

Me and Telle were talking about our future yesterday, and while it got scary quickly, and put us both off growing up more than ever, it did open my eyes. It made me realise that I can ponder over everything that has happened to me, let it affect everything that goes on in my life, or I can learn to forgive, or at least forget.

I don’t want anymore of my time to be taken up by worrying about the past, I just want to look forward to what might be. I’ve ruined a lot of relationships from what has happened and I would give anything to have them back, and know that I don’t want to lose anyone else over something that happened in the past.

My emotions have been here there and everywhere this week, and I’ve made some huge mistakes because of it, may even lost someone I cared about a lot because of it and I will try all I can to fix it, but I know that not everything works out the way you want it to and I may have ruined my only chance. All I can do, is be honest with myself in how I feel and be honest to those around me, because I don’t have anything to lose. So, from today, I’m going to allow myself to be happy, make the most of what I have now, and tell others how I feel, in the hope that in time, I will learn to love once again.

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