Tears of strength

People cry not because they’re weak, it’s because they’ve been strong for too long.”

I watched This is 40 the other day (really good film – worth a watch) and realised just how quickly the smallest of acts can turn into the biggest of problems. Ok, so I know films exaggerate story lines, people don’t always act the way they do in real life, because if they did, there would be thousands of fairytales to tell, but that aside, the smallest act, even those intended for good don’t always turn out that way.

I’ve been brought up to put others before myself, and that is something I wouldn’t change. I always put others needs before my own, getting myself in some pretty terrible situations, not out of selfishness, but to support those around me. However, even when you’re trying to be supportive, and help those around you, it is more often seen negatively. Causing arguments, disagreements, fall outs. I’m not one to tell people exactly how I feel, I beat around the bush if they ask, giving some vague story that is often worded to avoid any truth because I don’t like others to hear my emotion as I’ve been made to see it as weakness. I more than often apologise in arguments or conversations, blaming myself when I know it is more often than none, balanced, but I don’t like other people feeling the blame. I try all I can to support those around me, whilst pulling myself down in turn. No matter who it was that needed help, I would help them in a heartbeat because I couldn’t deal with the guilt of leaving them.

I’ve been told numerous times, by different people not to cry – whether it’s because it doesn’t get you anywhere, or because it’s selfish, or because other people want to cry too but they choose not to – but I’ve come to realise that every time I have cried it’s because of how strong I have been. Whether I’ve walked away from a terrible situation, stood my ground when people are around, or been honest with others how I feel – these are all acts I wouldn’t have done a year ago, and no matter how they are taken by others, they all show strength. Last night I realised just how different I am to last year. I expressed my thoughts and feelings for the first time, and although not greatly received, it made me realise just how far I have come. Last year, my thoughts and feelings didn’t seem to matter and I would never have thought to say anything, but now I know otherwise. While it was hard and draining for me to do, I felt better for saying it because it got it off my back and made others aware of how I feel. I still don’t know how to deal with these kinds of situations, and while speaking my feelings didn’t seem to fix anything, merely the opposite, at least the one thing I got out of it was tears of strength.

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