Finding the strength

I don’t know where to begin, I don’t know how to restart, and I don’t know where to pick up from. Today I woke up feeling strong, feeling as though I could do what I want. I thought I would be able to get back to uni, start doing my work again, get rid of those I don’t want in my life and make up for those I’ve lost along the way. I woke up feeling like all of that was doable, but I’m going to bed feeling the opposite.

Today was the first day that I’ve ever been able to stand up to my ex. Even when the case was going on, I would never have been able to fight against him, I was always scared of him, how he would act, what he would do, but people have told me I don’t need to be anymore, which is why today I stood up to him. For the first time, I was able to stick by what I want in life, ignore what he had to stay and stay strong. This is already a huge milestone for me, I’ve never stood up to him, and never been able to not do as he says, but it seems like since then, everything else has been put on hold.

I walked away feeling strong, empowered and for the first time in over a year, I felt like me. It was great to think I had done something for me, I could do what I want, my mind wasn’t rushing with thoughts of him, I was just happy to feel free again. I went to uni, did some work, which is something I haven’t done in a while, and felt like I was in control.

The past year I have lost a lot of people, missed out on a lot of experiences, and been through hell and back but I’m still standing. I’m able to walk away from my problems and not look back. Not feel guilty for not helping, or accept punishment for my behaviour, I’m standing up for what I want.

I know there will be people around me that think I’m stupid, crazy even for putting up with what I have, and frankly, I cannot give you a reason why, all I can say is that, with time, I will rebuild myself and I will be me once again. I’ve lost people along the way, and I know for a fact I’m losing people now, those that don’t want to understand what has been going on in my life, are choosing to blame me for what has happened. I’ve come to accept that if that is their way of looking at things, then by all means do it, but I know now, that I’ve never been to blame for the hell I was put through. I always blamed myself before, thinking I wasn’t good enough, needed to let him do the things he did because I was in the wrong and deserved it, or because it was what he needed to be helped, but looking back now, I know that was never the right thing to do.

People can have their opinion of me, but no one will ever know what went on. Since the case closed, I have never felt more alone. No one has ever thought to ask how I’m coping with things since it all ended. While it was happening everyone jumped at the chance of finding out the updates, but now they couldn’t care less. I understand that people have their own problems and I’m not saying that mine are more important – far from it – but it’s a horrible place to be in, and it’s even worse to think others are, or have been going through the same.

If it wasn’t for a school-friend getting in contact, I don’t know how I would be coping right now. No one will ever understand what I went through, what I’m going through, and because of that, I need to be strong in what I think and feel, because no one can tell me otherwise. Today was a new start for me. I was the strongest I have been in a long while, I may feel weak again now, but my weakness is shrinking. In time, I will be strong once again.

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