I’m at the point right now where my mind is wondering so much I can’t write my dissertation. There’s procrastination, and then there’s just avoidance. I slept for over 12 hours last night, and my am I still tired. You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you about my sleeping pattern, but the reason is that, I’m always tired no matter how much I sleep.
I’m probably just the same as any other 21 year old who complains about lack of sleep – it’s all we want to do, but I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt awake in my mind or body. It’s amazing to think just how much of a strain emotions have on your stability, strength and mind. They’re merely just a thought – something we create, we control, and only we know, yet they have such a huge impact on how we live our life. Thoughts do not exists. They are just a figment of our imagination, what we want to know or hear, what we tell ourselves we feel, when actually, if they do not exist, then surely we do not have to feel this way?
It’s all so hard to get your head around I know. But, if we create these thoughts so easily, why is it so hard to stop them, to send them away, or to prevent them from controlling our lives? My reason for this ramble is simply that this past weekend, I have been an emotional wreck – reasons for, I’m not too sure. I was emotionally tired before I left the house, and then the smallest things seemed to be the biggest. It’s hard to look into why you just wake up sometimes feeling the way you do. Whether it’s because you had a bad dream that you don’t remember, but it’s set you in that path, or whether it’s because you’ve got feelings hidden deep that you’re not aware of, but have decided to feed upon your vulnerability – who knows. It’s just strange to think that sometimes, waking up can cause all those emotions.
There are a number of problems I’m being faced with right now, but none of them are huge. I’m trying my hardest to fix them where I can, without adding more stress to myself, but unless you get acceptance from the others involved it wont work. I’ve told myself recently that unless I’m aware I’ve done something wrong, or have been pointed out for my wrongdoings, I shouldn’t apologise. This is the message I’m keeping within. This is what has got me through the past few weeks.
I’ve been told I’m in the wrong, but not given reasons why. All I have done is what I wanted to do, I’m trying to find out what my wants are, rather than what others tell me I should want or do, so that I can find myself again.. but of course, there are people in the way trying to stop me. It’s hard to not do as they say, I aim to please and hate putting myself first, but in this situation I know the right thing is to do what I want. This isn’t me being selfish, this is me taking control of my life. Yes it is ridiculously straining, emotionally draining, but I’m hoping that in time, I will be able to control my life again. I could easily give in and do as others tell me, the so called friends that are telling me how to live my life, but after everything that has happened recently, I’ve come to realise that those who truly care about you are the ones that will support you through your decisions, whether right or wrong, and will walk by your side rather than lead. Those that act otherwise are the ones who are emotionally draining, who will play with your mind, distract you from your work and your wants, those are the people you need to walk away from and realise that they don’t want what is best for you, they want what is best for them, no matter what they say.
So, linking back to the beginning – sleep – probably seems like no link what so ever right now, doesn’t it? But there is a link, somewhere… The link is that if you live your life doing as others say, it may seem easier but in the long run it’s harder. We all have our own life to lead, and its up to us to lead it. We choose our decisions, our likes, our wants, it’s not up to others to do so. If you live you’re life under someone else’s control, you will be forever trying to please, never reaching where they want you you to reach and will be forever tired. Tired of yourself as you won’t feel enough, tired of living as you will feel like you haven’t achieved and tired of trying. Following your own desires will help you stay alive and awake. You will know why you feel down, tired, alone, or happy, excited, and loved because they are your feelings rather than the feelings of someone else.
Don’t let someone else’s issues tire you, do as you want, love as you want, and live as you want.