This post has been a long time coming, and frankly I don’t know where to begin. It’s not easy to write, and I can guarantee, for some, it wont be easy to read, but I’ve kept all this inside for so long now, I can’t cope myself. I need a way of telling those I love what is going on inside my mind but haven’t got the courage to say it myself.
I was in a relationship this time last year, one that didn’t go very well, and ended even worse. Details, of why, are irrelevant. One day, I’m sure you’ll find them out, but today, this post is the most I can handle. When I was in the relationship I was oblivious to what was happening around me. Not aware of my friends or family, nor was I aware of what was going on inside the relationship. My life as I remember, the life where I was in control, where I could do or say as I please, ended in December 2013. Since then, I’ve lived the life someone else wanted. I dressed differently, used tanning booths, took diet pills, ignored friends and family, began to drop out of uni. My social, university, work, family life were all controlled by one person and whether they were aware of it or not, I become someone very different.
I can look back now and realise just how much I changed, I can see the people I left behind, the habits that have disappeared, the loves lost along the way, but I can’t seem to get them back. I’ve lived the last year outside of my own body. I haven’t been in control of what I’m doing for so long that I can’t remember how to act anymore. I can’t help but do as others say, and unless I’m told what to do, I feel lost in my actions.
It’s hard to put into words where I am at the moment. I realise what happened, I’m aware of everything that has changed, but I can’t work out how to get back to where I was. I’ve been reliant on someone else for so long now, I can’t live a life without it. People may think I’m exaggerating, naive, stupid even, I don’t care – you’re all entitled to your own opinions – but what I do know is that since the case closed, the support drifted away, and I’ve been left on my own, I’ve found it harder to cope.
While I’ve ignored messages where I can, part of me needs that control in order to live. I’ve been put in a place where, without the control of another, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. The smallest hit throws me straight back to square one, leaving me feeling hopeless without the ordering of someone else. My life feels dependant on another.
As Natalie said yesterday, we lived a life before people came into it, so we can live one once they have gone, it’s just learning how to overcome those weaknesses, remembering who you once were, and gaining the strength to fight. Until then, I’m still learning, still working out who I am, who I was and who I need to be in order to be me again. I’ve done what others wanted for so long, I no longer know what I want for myself. But here’s me hoping, that in time, I might just realise again.