Moving forward

I haven’t blogged in a while. I could come out with some bullshit line like ‘I’ve been so busy lately’ and lie to anyone that is reading it, when deep down, that isn’t the case. Well, I have been busy.. Kind of! But that’s not the reason for my lack of blogging!

As some, if not most people know, I’m no longer in a relationship. Again, as some people know (those who are close, and who were there for me) it has been a long year for me.

I’m not going to lie and say the relationship was a waste of time, because it wasn’t. There were parts of it that I loved, and will always cherish, but there were two sides to Sam, and although he wont admit it to me again, I know that deep down, he knows it too.

I could go into detail about everything, give people the gossip they want to hear, but I’m not going to do that. It’s my life, the one I shared with Sam, and although things weren’t always great, it’s a part of my life I wouldn’t change, as I’ve learnt so much from it – I just wish things had been fixed rather than forgotten.

The reason for this blog post is because I thought it was about time I tried to come out of my shell and be me again. I’ve been lying to myself, and my friends, for over 2 months now and it’s not getting any easier. I need to first be honest with myself in order to be honest with others and this is my way of completing both.

When I was with Sam, most of the time I was happy, ecstatic even, but then other times I wasn’t so. Since breaking up, it made me miss the old Sam even more. Before we broke up we had a conversation in a field where I told him everything. The things he did, the things he said, the way I felt and we sorted things. I helped him realise what was happening, because he had no idea himself, and from that I was able to release the stress that was building up inside of me. That was one of the hardest conversations I have had in my whole life.

Since then, I couldn’t help but wonder, maybe he listened, maybe he would get the help he promised me he would. Maybe the old Sam was back.

I was recently in contact with him again, and at first I saw the old Sam, the one I fell for, the one I loved spending my time with, the one I looked to the future with, but within days, he went back to how he was.

So many people had told me when we broke up that I should never speak to him again. The way he was in the relationship wasn’t healthy, but I couldn’t help but miss and want the old Sam back.

When I started talking to him again, and he went back to his old self, I started balancing things out in my head. Looking at whether it was worth the risk trying to help him rather than ignore him. I decided to help him but that wasn’t good enough.

The last day I saw Sam I told him how I felt, that I loved him but that I needed us to be friends. I wanted him in my life still, I couldn’t let go of him, but I wanted to be able to help from a distance, give him the support to learn for himself and then, when the time was right, maybe things could work out again. I just wasn’t strong enough to put myself back in the lead.

We agreed on being friends, and at the time although I knew it was the right thing to do, it still felt like it was breaking my heart. I still loved him, and it would take a lot to change that, as through everything I still loved the old Sam, but I needed him to know what was going on before I could commit myself.

Later that night, Sam continued to prove he hadn’t changed. After a series of messages and photographs I sat up all night crying to myself, working out where to go from it all. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted him to know how I felt, I wanted him to know why I could only be friends, but he had decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

Since that day, he continues to send me photographs and messages to remind me of him, but not the old him I loved, the side to him that seems to want to haunt me.

I’m dreading tonight, as I know he has probably gone out and is going to send me photographs of him with yet more girls. I know I can delete him, but he always finds a way of getting back to me again. I’m glad he finds it so easy to move on, because I know for sure I can’t. If he is happy then I wish him all the luck in the world, but deep down, I think he still needs help, whether that be from me or someone else, he needs to realise what he’s doing in order to live the life he loves, and be the person people love.

I’m not saying this to annoy anyone, or target him in any way, if I was going to do that, I’d post about the relationship rather than what I’m feeling now. I’m doing this because there are two sides to every story, this is mine and unfortunately this is my life right now. I’m being honest with myself, and in turn with everyone else in order to try to move on. I’ve lied to myself for too long now, I need help and I need to move on from this, he’s just such a part of my life, it makes me wonder what will be left without him.

I want to help him and in turn, I want to help myself. I need to realise that the old Sam isn’t coming back, that he doesn’t exist anymore, but my heart tells me otherwise. I know to believe my head over my heart, but just this one time, it doesn’t seem to be working, I want to listen to my heart.


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