Like looking at a brick wall

The past couple of weeks have really given me a different outlook on the world that I thought I lived in. If it wasn’t for my beautiful best friend, Chantelle, I would have ever realised just how much I had changed in the last few months, just how different I was, how I was no longer me.

I’ve spent the past weekend with her and her family, and I honestly wouldn’t have wished to be anywhere else. I have missed seeing friends this year, but I didn’t realise just how much until I saw them again. This year has definitely been a roller coaster to say the least, but one that I’m so glad to step off.

I spent saturday night celebrating Chantelle’s birthday with her family. I really have loved spending time with them all, it has honestly felt like being with a second family. They are all beautiful, open people and have really made me feel welcome. Being with them all made me realise just how recluse I have been this year, for many reasons, but most of all, it made me realise just how much I want to spend more time with family and friends.

Later in the evening, I went on a drive to Portsdown Hill. I honestly never knew how beautiful Portsmouth was at night, and would have never thought it ever could be. Just sat looking at the views made me realise that not only had I neglected friends and family this year, but also myself. I used to love spending time on my own, going on adventures with friends, I used to love just sitting outside, watching the world pass by, but until that saturday night, it never occurred to me that I hadn’t done this in a long time. That I hadn’t done anything for me in a long time.

It was a weird feeling. It was a realisation of who I used to be, and what I had turned into, and I hated, still hate, who I now am. Sitting in the car, watching the views, talking about life itself. The past, the future, the present made me realise just how little I have spoken this year. How I hadn’t open up to anyone until I reached breaking point, how I had lied to myself about being happy, about how everything would work out. I can’t thank them enough for opening my mind to who I used to be.

I set myself a goal that night, to do something, no matter how big or small, everyday that reminds me of who I used to be. To remind me what my loves are in life, what my dreams and ambitions are, who means the world to me. I’ve lost myself once, to the point where I no longer recognised who I was as a person. I was amongst the wreckage that surrounded me, and I didn’t help myself, or ask for help. Now I am helping myself. I’m going to be me again, going to smile, love, laugh, cry, sing, dance, run, walk, gaze, write, and live the paths I want to follow, because if I’m no longer me, I’m no longer a part of my world, I’m part of someone else’s.


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