Always learning, always moving

That good old say “You learn from your mistakes” couldn’t be more true.

Clichéd but true.

You might be surprised to read this, but I’m not one to tell people how I feel. Seems ironic as you’re reading this on my  blog. A blog where I explain personal details about my life, my feelings and my thoughts, but its true.

I keep my feelings to myself, always have done, always do, and now, always will. I go along with what other people want, to make them happy. I never even think about what I feel – it’s just become a bit of a habit. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing this. I love to see people happy. I love it when I know I’ve had a part in that, it’s just sometimes my feelings begin to build up and sometimes I don’t know what to do with them.

I’ve tried to change this.

People take the mickey about how I can’t say no, and it’s true. I really can’t. So as a step closer to getting over this, I started to express my feelings.

As I said, I’ve never been one to tell people how I feel. I keep most things locked up inside. Anything and everything that affects me, whether positive or negative, I hold for myself and don’t tell others. In order to make a relationship work, whether with a friend, a family member, a work colleague, or a partner, there has to be honesty. This I understand.

I’m just like another person, I’m honest in my actions and try not to lie, so I don’t like it when I’m accused of being dishonest – when I know I couldn’t have been more true.

I recently decided that, as my actions weren’t being believed the only other option was to try to be verbal about my feelings. Again both positive and negative. Like I said, this is something I had never really done before so, as pathetic as it sounds, it took all my energy, courage, and strength to be able to express how I felt. The only reason why I expressed them was because I wanted that person to know how I felt. Not in a spiteful way, but so that they could understand what I was going through, how I felt, what situation I was in. But instead of being comforted, or having a conversation on the matter, things got out of hand.

It took so much for me to be able to tell them how I felt, yet it made the situation worse. Did telling someone how I  feel, really help the situation? I’ve got used to doing things for other people for so long, yet when I try to do something good for myself it all back fired. I can honestly tell you now, the question going through my head is, is it right?

Should I have to defend myself for the way I feel? After all, it’s actions and situations that have made me feel like that, and I, as the same as anyone else, have no control over my feelings. I can’t help the way I feel, the thoughts that go through my head. I don’t feel certain ways out of spite, I feel it because of the experience I’ve been involved in.

People always tell me to be honest, to say no, to tell people how I really feel, but the moment I do, it’s all thrown back at me. I’m made to apologise for the way I feel, yet, I shouldn’t. Feelings exist for a reason. They bring clarity and sense to the surface. They make everything personal, but they also make everything real.

I shouldn’t have to hide away from my feelings, because my feelings are what make me, me. Without those, how am I any different to anyone else? Without feelings, I’m just a thought process surviving. With feelings, I’m living.

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