As you can probably tell, I’ve had a lot of thoughts this week, hence the number of blog posts. How stressed and emotional I am definitely goes hand in hand with the number of blog posts a week. And it’s definitely been one of those weeks.
Laying in bed, I’ve just had a sudden realisation. So sudden that, I’ve got out of my warm, snug duvet to turn my computer on and write. That’s how sudden it all is. (Also, if I don’t write it out, or talk to someone about it, I wont be able to sleep. It’ll just keep going over and over in my mind until I drive myself crazy and fail university due to lack of sleep! – although that said, I’m pretty tired as it is!)
Anyway – back to the point!
Love thy neighbour? Again it sounds very religious, but it isn’t intended so, I just couldn’t think of another short and snappy title.
Basically, my realisation is as follows..
Without sounding big-headed, egocentric, or anything else along those lines (I honestly don’t intend to come across that way) I would bend over backwards for just about anybody if they needed my help. I instantly put others before myself in nearly everything I do, not because I feel I have to, but because I want to. I like helping people, I want people to be happy. However in the mean time – it doesn’t make me happy.
While helping people does bring me a sense of joy, I’ve been told I shouldn’t do it so much. I understand what they’re saying – every time I help someone and put them before me, my health and mental stability drop. I put more effort into making sure other people are ok, than checking up on myself.
No matter who the person is, I will help them. Like I’ve said before, there’s no one I don’t like or wouldn’t do anything for.
I like to think I’m the type of person, that even if my life is falling apart, I’m there to support others. When I walk into a room my first question is to ask if people are ok. If I know someone is going through a hard time I make sure they know I’m there for them no matter what. I don’t like to see people upset because I don’t like being upset.
You’re probably wondering why it is called ‘Love thy neighbour?’ Well my sudden realisation was as follows. I help people because I want to and while I don’t expect it in return, recently I’ve realised just how different people are in this nature.
I’ve had people who I would never consider “great” friends check up on me. People that I haven’t spoken to in years asking if I’m alright, lending a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. The people who I thought I was close to, the people who meant the world to me, aren’t.
Like I said I don’t expect people to react in the same way I do – everyone is different I know, but recently I’ve realised just how isolated I’ve become. I keep things locked up inside. There used to be only one person I told everything to, and now he’s the other side of the world living his dream life. I would never want to burden him with my problems because in reality, they’re tiny. But to me they seem like my whole life right now. I tried opening up to other people. Tried and apparently failed. Things that meant so much to me, that were so hard to tell, were just passed on like gossip.
At the moment, I can honestly say, hand on heart that over the last month or so I’ve come to realise that I really do have just one best friend but at the same time, I wouldn’t ask for anything more. She’s stuck by me through everything, checked I’m ok everyday, been there to support me, cheered me up, taken my mind off things. Without her I don’t know where I’d be right now.
Admittedly, a few months ago I wouldn’t have seen things going this way but in some ways I’m glad I’ve experienced the last few weeks. They’ve made me realise just who I am, and who I’ve got for support around me.
Until the past month, I would have never said I confide in my family. I never tell them anything that is going in my life – I’m the older sister that helps everyone through, the one that will get through anything and everything, and to be honest, I realised only today that I wouldn’t be here without them.
The past week or so, all I’ve wanted to do is go home. Ask me that last year and I would have said I can’t wait to leave home but now things have changed.
Tonight for instance, I phoned my younger sister up. I knew why I did it – I wanted someone to talk to, I wanted her to convince me it was a good idea to come home. I phoned her up and as soon as I heard her voice I just cried. She didn’t even need to know what was happening to support me and comfort me. I’ve never realised just how great and supportive my family are until this week.
This past month living at uni has been hard – whether that’s due to it coming up to christmas or something else I don’t know. But what I do know is that it has taught me to love my family and make the most of what I’ve got because right now there is nothing else I would rather have.
If I could be anywhere right now – for once I would wish to be at home. I’d wish to be with my family.