Everybody wants to go to heaven

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I saw this quote today, and it made me think.

I’ve had a bad month, and an even worse week and while I’ve never told anyone what’s happened in the past, this week I’ve started to overcome this. I’m not saying I’m over what’s happened, I’m most definitely not, and I’ve come to accept that I wont be for a while, but what I do know is that I’m that little step closer.

It maybe hard to think that I struggle to tell people how I feel, I mean I have this blog after all, right? But I really do. I’m the person people come to when they’re in need, when they’ve got problems, when they need some company or someone to talk to. I’m the person who solves the problem, who puts light on both sides of a situation. I’m the person that is there for anyone, at any time, no matter who they are. People rely on me to be positive, to solve problems, to make them happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I love making people happy. I put others before myself in everything I do. I would do all I can to make someone smile. There is not one person in this world I dislike, not one person I hate. If anyone needed help, whether I had the time to help them or not, I would do so. I would find a way and do it.

This month I’ve not been myself. This I know. I’ve done things I know I shouldn’t have. I’ve said things I wouldn’t normally say. I’ve lost sight in what I normally look for in life. I’ve come close to throwing it all away.

Like I said, I struggle to tell people how I feel. If anyone was to ask me if I was ok, I would say yes. Even if I knew I wasn’t.

I don’t like to let people down.

People see me as positive, out going, always smiling and I feel that if I’m not all of these things, then I’m disappointing them.

Even when I’m sad I smile.

I cover up everything I feel and think. I’ve never honestly opened up to anyone, and still haven’t.

This week I’ve got close to it. I’ve managed to tell someone what happened this week. Sounds silly I know, but this was a big deal for me. The topic of the issue is a massive part of my life at the moment and has been for a while, but no one knew of it until now. I don’t know why I told them what I did and I don’t know why I struggle to speak it. I think I just got to the point where unless it was said, I knew I would get no further and things would just get worse.

The person I told, I honestly would never have thought I would tell them it. I don’t want people to judge me, I’ve had enough of that for one lifetime. I don’t want people to pity me, feel sorry for me, or watch my every move. I just wanted someone to know what was happening. To listen to what I had to say, give no opinion on the matter, no judgements. Just listen and move on.

Somehow, this is what happened.

I can’t think of a way to thank the person for this. To them it probably seems like nothing, or maybe even that I’m attention seeking or exaggerating, I don’t know. But either way, to me, it meant so much to be able to speak my mind, just for a couple of minutes.

The saying was, “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die”.

Everyone is in hope of heaven. Everyone wants there to be an afterlife where we live happily and enjoy every moment of what it has to offer. I too hope there is one. I don’t believe there is, but I hope. But in order to get there we have to fight through the problems that life right now throws at us. I’ve not been able to do this before, but I am now one step closer. It may only seem like one step, but to me, that is so much closer than I have ever been before. Once I’ve fort my battle I will find heaven in the world we live in right now because once this is over, I will be at peace with myself and the world. And hopefully, just hopefully, that will be enough.

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