It might sound weird but it’s true. The reason for it – because I don’t like goodbyes.
I have always hated saying goodbye to people, whether I’ve known them for 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months, 5 years, my life – I have never liked it. For this reason, I encouraged myself to not make too many friends at college, because I didn’t want to have to go through the pain of saying goodbye to them at the end. But now I am at uni, and I can safely say, this has been the hardest of them all!
Whether I know for certain I will see that person again or not, the feeling is the same – I can’t say goodbye. However, since being at uni, I have got closer to people than I have ever done so before. I have opened myself up to them – been myself, and been accepted as myself. This made the past few weeks hard.
I only said goodbye to two of my flat mates, and even then, it was because I had no escape from it. I’ve got to know them all so well, and the thought of saying goodbye to them was horrible. I know it’s only 3 months, but I’ve spent the most important year so far of my life with them, pretty much, 24/7 so it’s going to be weird not having them around!
It might sound harsh when I say I avoid saying goodbye to people, but I do it to save myself the pain of it. On top of this, it’s horrible to think I will never see people again.
I have met so many people at uni that I will never meet again, whether that’s due to them being third years, or them leaving uni, it’s weird to think I wont see them! For this reason, I withhold my true personality, and feelings. I don’t tell people how much they mean to me because I am afraid of rejection. Not only this, but I’m afraid that one day, after getting so close to them, I will lose them.
There are a few people at uni that I have opened up to, more so than I thought I ever would. But since, the friendship has changed. I understand that things never stay as they are, but what I don’t understand is how one thing can shut down a friendship all together. Before I started uni I told myself that I couldn’t form a relationship with anyone there for the main reason that it would result in too many goodbyes. With this thought still in my mind, it doesn’t stop feelings from taking place. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had feelings for anyone since being at uni, but because of my fear of rejection and goodbye’s I would never tell them that. That’s why I like to write it down – it’s my way of releasing my thoughts and feelings so that they are not locked up inside, but in a way that it can’t affect any friendships I do have. I cherish friendships a lot. No matter how strong the friendship is, I wouldn’t want to jeopardize it.
Some people might think I’m weird for randomly texting people, but to be honest, the main reason I do, is because I like to check that they’re doing well. I don’t like to think that someone can go from being a huge part of your life, to being another person in the street. I like to keep in contact with people, no matter how much of an effect they had on my life, because at one point they’re friendship meant a lot to me.
This also means I forgive people easily. I don’t like to hold grudges against people. No matter what they have done to upset me, in order for it to have an affect on me, I must have cared about their opinions/ views. I forgive people because I like to think that, one day, the friendship will return, and that I wont have to say goodbye.
I don’t like hello’s because I don’t like goodbyes.