Without sounding too melodramatic, it’s been one of those weeks!
I honestly thought it was going to be both an easy and stress free week. But no. However, it did start off good with Carnage. I mean, Carnage is always good and I spent it with some great people, what more could I want?
One of the biggest issues that arose throughout the week was memories. This was one of those weeks, that no matter how good or fun it was it was ruined by bad memories. When I say ‘bad’ I guess I mean sad. We went to Southsea FunFair on Friday. While it was good fun, I couldn’t help but think of past memories of being there, and how times have changed since. It ended up in me being a mood killer, which is never good. While I did try to leave, I didn’t want to look like I was annoyed/upset with the people I was with so I just braved the rest of the evening. It was one of those times that, no matter how much fun the people are having around you, you can’t help but feel alone or sad. I love having memories of places and people, and I love being able to cherish them, but I don’t like how much they then affect my life. Memories are in the past, but they always affect the present and then change the future.
On top of this, my week has been stressful in aspect of relationships. I don’t like how I am either really gullible or just plain stupid. I honestly believe people way too easily. When someone tells me they have changed, I believe them. I put too much trust in people, and then can’t deal with it when it’s broken. Without going into detail (it’s a tad too personal) I’ve spent a good few weeks telling myself that I don’t need certain people in my life. Not to be horrible, but to help myself. While this may seem selfish, I attach myself to people easily and then let them lead my life, something I need to stop happening. Anyway, after everything that has happened this week, I fell into the trap of going against my own advice. I’m good at giving it, just not good at taking it. I trusted someone when they told me they had changed, I believed that they had. I’m glad that I now know they were lying, it’s just one of those things where you wished you knew before hand, would have saved yourself a lot of embarrassment and pride.
Just to top both of those off, I’ve been ill all week. Yep, so I’ve been both emotionally drained and physically drained all week. And while I have asked all my closest friends for advice, all of them saying the same thing – that I should just move on – I can’t help but want to ignore it. I am the worst person ever when it comes to taking advice. I always seek it, but then I think, what if? I always plan decisions out in my head – pros and cons – yet, I always go with the ‘wrong’ decision, because I think, what if I didn’t go with it? Would I regret it? Now I’m at that stage where I think, have I gone too far to turn back, or is it too late to carry on trying? I’m pretty sure most of this sounds like a load of rubbish to whoever is reading this, and to be honest, it sounds like a load of rubbish to me too, I just need a way to let my feelings out. I need someone to tell me what to do. Whether I should fight strong, or walk away with pride. If only I knew exactly what the outcomes of my decisions would be, then I would never be in this situation. So, if any of that made sense to you, please help me, because I’m pretty sure it makes no sense to me, and it’s my life!?
But on the up side, I made mars bar chocolate chip cookie cups today. As you do.